Football With The Schmucks

     We have all spent quality time with the Schmucks and over the course of our lives we have all likely exhibited public behavior that would confirm direct ancestral  lineage to the Schmucks family stump. No... not a family tree but a stump as in Schmucks are dumb as a stump.
     This expression while demeaning to stumps around the globe begs the question, "how many Schmucks could a woodchuck chuck...if a woodchuck could chuck Schmucks?" Every last one of them if I had my way!
     If you jumped the queue when a cashier opened a till at the grocery store, you acted like a Schmuck. If you took that parking spot even though another motorist was waiting patiently to pull in...your birth certificate should read Schmuck albeit temporarily.
      This column is dedicated to the lifelong Schmucks. The nimrods, nitwits, doofus-clones and spit-for-brains Schmucks who ply their craft on a daily basis. You and I may have a temporary lapse in judgement that puts us on par with a Schmuck...but rest assured, it is a temporary state. The lifelong Schmucks who gaze into a mirror see everyone but themselves as Schmucks.
     Nobody ever accepts a social invitation to willingly spend time with the Schmucks, but rather your perfectly enjoyable family camping trip or dining experience will draw the Schmucks to you.
     A family of Schmucks can vary in size. Sometimes you will only rub shoulders with the Mom and another time it may just be the Dad who ventures out to practice Schmuckery with equal parts of buffoonery.
     Grandparents can act like Schmucks as well. Being longer in the tooth is not an automatic exemption from being branded a Schmuck. As they say, if the name fits, wear it. Brothers, sisters, cousins, in-laws, aunts, uncles etc believe in the adage, "strength in numbers." The bigger the stump....the dumber the numbers! A family reunion of Schmucks is an entry level step away from purgatory.
     Some children become Schmucks because their parents provided a natural habitat for honing boorish behavior. Contrary to popular opinion nobody is born a Schmuck...you become a Schmuck. Some families are evenly divided between Schmucks and non-Schmucks. Schmucks who marry non-Schmucks may change their ways and lead a normal life but it is the exception not the rule.
      Two years ago I purchased two Saskatchewan Roughrider season tickets. Season ticket holders ponder the same question as new homeowners...I wonder what the neighbors are like? At the first game I discovered immediately that one set of neighbors were a complete bunch of Schmucks.
    On Thursday night the 1-5 B.C. Lions brought their losing record into Mosaic Stadium and the Rider faithful were bent on adding a few more feet to Wally Buono's skidmarks. The Schmucks could smell blood and were on their worst behavior. They did not disappoint all those within yelling distance who craved incomplete sentences, incoherent utterings and profanity-laced "cheering".
     The liquor flowed like meandering lava through their lips which in turn filtered out intelligent thoughts from the brain leaving only booze-induced  unintelligible comments to be launched in every direction for the entire game.
     The only aspect of the game that caused the Schmucks to hold their tongue was the singing of O Canada. Beyond that everything was fair game when life is viewed through the glazed eyes of a Schmuck.
     As long as I retain my current season tickets the Schmucks and I will be in close proximity...fused together like a motorcycle gang member and a tire iron. The problem with changing seats is there are thousands of other Schmucks throughout the stadium. Why forgo Schmucks only to discover bigger Schmucks two rows away.
     How do I know so much about Schmucks? My brother Brian would respond, "takes one to know one." In the Utley family, the stump doesn't fall far from the tree.
     Next Week: Brian Utley: the brother, the myth... the legend!